we say stuff sometimes and we think we're funny

me: i'll just have the internet people tell me
david: internet people?
me: tumblr
mom: she has an entire family on the internet
me: actually, i do. at least, i have a mom, dad, twin sister, a cousin, and a couple of wives
mom: ...
dad: ...
david: ...
both of the twins: ...
mom: umm, okay. everyone get in the car

me: laughing hysterically
david's friend: why is she doing that?
david: it's about the internet. she does that.

me: you know how i'm writing a book where he's already dead?
brother: *nods*
me: what do we have that would make me...trip?
brother: *laughs* just be creative
me: oh my god, look how much dust is in your vents!
brother: yeah, i know

me: *singing "Be A Star" from Life Size, which is a Disney channel movie*

david: that's not how the second verse goes

brother (talking on headset playing cod or something): oh, hold up, my brother just walked in the room
me: *squee!* you just called me your brother!
brother: oh, i meant sister
me: ...oh

david: don't tell mariah (18 year old sister) about this (cigarette burn)
david: she thinks it's a cold sore 
me: seriously?
david: mom does too.

today at the dinner table

me: you know that feeling when you just want to nail your wrist to the wall with an exact-o knife?
brother: yeah
rest of family: ...
me: well that's been 90% of my life lately
brother: dude...
rest of family: ...
dad: let's pray.

david: *looking through posts i plan to reblog from my personal blog* did i say that?
david: did i say that?
david: did i say that?
me: you said all that shit. you're pretty stupid.

some of my cousins are visiting for a few days

me: *grabs 6 year old*
6 year old: help, she's kidnapping me!
brother: (from other room) yeah, she does that
 LATER
me: *cajoles 15 year old*
15 year old: Uncle Bob, Rebecca is trying to kidnap me!
dad: she tends to do that

me: pause your game, i want to see if these posts count for the new blog
david: what?
me: i posit that you should pause it!
david: that's dumb.